Have you ever sworn you’ve seen a stranger’s face in the middle of the night, only to discover that it was just a random pile of clothes on your dresser? Have you ever bitten into a burrito from a fast food restaurant that will go unnamed here(but it rhymes with Taco Shell) and have some unidentifiable, bubbly ooze-like substance burst in your mouth? Yes, you say?? OK, so I guess we’ve all experienced “Oh f#%k” moments in our life where the hair stands up on our asses, but I had an experience once that would rattle even an acolyte of the Manson Family! This life altering event occurred a few years ago when I attended the Alternative Press Expo(APE) in San Francisco.
I was feverishly flipping through some old zines at one of the vendor tables, and suddenly out of nowhere I saw what looked like a ghost-white, possessed girl’s face staring right at me, and she said “Good GOD.” in what I can only describe was a deep, guttural, demon-like voice. Obviously, this gave me quite a fright, but the truly unsettling part of all this was the fact that this was no ordinary girl I was looking at. This girl was actually of the printed on paper variety, and she graced the cover to what would later be known as the MYSTERY ZINE OF HORRORS !! That’s right. A zine was staring at me and speaking to me. Maybe it was haunted, or maybe I was just insane, but either way, do you think I was going to just leave that table with out buying that stapled, xeroxed pamphlet of terror? Nay! This inanimate object spoke to me in a hauntingly alluring way and the last time that happened, I enjoyed a long, fruitful relationship with a box of paperclips, so I was sold! As I handed the vendor the five dollar bill to pay for the zine he looked down, and paused for a moment. He then gave me a look like you’d give somebody who’s on their way to the electric chair.
I quickly ran back to my lonely hotel room, and devoured every page of this creepy oddity! There appeared to be no title for the zine, and no credits for the person(or demon) responsible for it. There was only a table of contents on the inside front cover, and a contact email address in the back. The zine was beautifully drawn, and included dark, demented tales like Hellga the Tranny, and The Adventures of Multiple Multiplying Man. The random strangeness in my life seemed to increase exponentially after “ingesting” that zine. That demon voice would torment my brain at very inopportune moments, like in public restrooms when I’m trying to urinate, or when I’m struggling to decide which muffin to order at Starbucks. Years later, I finally built up the courage to email the “author” of the mystery zine of horrors. I hoped that by reaching out to whomever, or whatever was responsible for this paper monstrosity I would get some sort of peace of mind in return, and finally be able to release that terrible zine-demon from my tormented soul!
I typed out just three words, “Good GOD…why??” and with my mouse hand trembling, I hit “send”. Nervously, I waited for a response. Minutes went by like a slow sawing of the neck. “Buh-BEEP”, my computer yelped, and I literally jumped out of my chair! This was it. This was the moment I would get my answer, and some much needed closure. So, I opened my Inbox, and read, “Whoa what a trip, it took me a few minutes to figure out what you were referring to. Turns out it was a comic by my ex boyfriend named Doug Butchart. He’s an asshole and owes me money, but a good artist haha. Have a nice weekend :)”